Although this is currently a personal diary, I hope this blog will eventually become more of an online "coffee shop" where amateur or aspiring musicians/artists/writers can share ideas and offer constructive criticism.


Saturday, April 30, 2005

PSA

Sorry, but my mind isn't working well enough at the moment to post anything worth reading. So all I can offer is this Public Service Announcement I created. Stay safe! Drake

Thursday, April 28, 2005

BlogExplosion.Com

Hmmm... I discovered a couple of things last night.

One is BlogExplosion, a site that helps people bring traffic to their blogs. Once you sign up and enter your blog URL, you get to see a series of random blogs. The more blogs you see in circulation, the more your blog is put into circulation for others to see at BlogExplosion. The mechanism to prevent cheating is actually sort of clever, and the service exposes one to many, MANY different types of blogs. (There are ways to filter the blogs you are shown by subject matter.)

The second thing I discovered is just how many freakin' blogs there are out there!! This isn't a complaint - I think it's great that so many people have access to the ability to share their lives, interests, skills, etc. to a global audience. But it is still so overwhelming to realize how many blogs are out there. And the ones you see at BlogExplosion are ONLY the ones that have been registered with BlogExplosion. There are thousands more out there that aren't even in their circulation.

In my opinion, the service is worth checking out. It's free, it doesn't add any adverts to your blog, and it gives you an opportunity to find other people with similar interests. (As well as thousands that will bore you to tears!)

On a personal level, I finally made it back to work today. I think my deep, severe depression is starting to lift a little - And I don't think it's just the Johnnie Walker Red Label talking either!

And I want to hurt the person who ever came up with the F-barre chord pattern for the guitar. Obviously, Carpal Tunnel Syndrome was an alien concept to him!

Best of wishes!
Drake

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Name Change

I decided to rename my blog "The Slacker Shack." "Oblivion - Embracing Our Obscurity" seemed a tad bit negative, and it slowly dawned on me that it didn't have the right bohemian/beatnik/artist connotation to it.

Plus, "The Slacker Shack" combines my interest in the movie "Slacker" with the title of a song ("Love Shack") by one of my favorite bands: The B-52's.

And besides, "Oblivion" sounded more like a blog for a secular hospice.

And no, I don't have better things to do with my time than to think of these things...

Take care!
Drake

"The Accidental Addict" (or "Even Good Boys Can Screw Up")

Today, I thought I would take a brief interlude from my usual "guitar talk" and pseudo-whining and share a cautionary tale. ["Beware! This could even happen to YOU! (Authoritative figure pointing to the audience à la "Reefer Madness")]

I never did illegal drugs, only tried smoking cigarettes a few times (didn't care for it and never picked up the habit), rarely ever drank and then only in moderation* when I did. So I lived a fairly clean lifestyle, minus my gluttonous appetite for anything chocolate.

But two things have plagued me most of life: severe depression and extreme anxiety. To this day, doctors are still not sure if I'm bipolar (manic-depressive) or if I suffer from chronic major depression with an anxiety component mixed in. So treating my emotional rollercoaster has been mostly trial-and-error.

I've tried an antidepressant or two over the years... Paxil, Prozac... Oh, and also Effexor. Plus Wellbutrin. And then there was Zoloft. And I can't forget Celexa. I almost could forget Remeron, since I was practically unconscious for days on it. Plus other psychotropic drugs, such as Luvox, Anafranil, Geodon, Risperdal, and Lamictal. I won't bother adding links to all of these medications - If interested, you can research them at The National Alliance for the Mentally Ill or WebMD.

Oh, and just for the record, I didn't take all of those medications at the same time!

Luckily, I am currently on one called Lexapro, and it actually seems to be beneficial for my depression. I guess the thirteenth time's the charm.

So what does this have to do with addiction? Please, just follow along - It starts to get fun!

While battling the various medications for depression, I still had anxiety issues and panic attacks to contend with. I tried a medication called Lorazepam (also known as Ativan), but it worked more like a sleeping pill to me than an anti-anxiety medication.

So a doctor put me on Xanax. Ah, wonderful Xanax! Zanies! Zans! Peach Footballs! Blue Footballs! The Blues! Z bars! Zan Bars! Quad Bars! Totem poles! Double Crosses! Railroad Crossings! Benzos! The medication is so miraculous, you can even spell the name backwards and get the same thing! (For trivia buffs, that is known as a "palindrome.")

But I'm getting way ahead of myself. Initially, my GP prescribed half of a .25 mg tablet twice a day when needed, and I was allowed to go up to 2 full .25 mg tablets in time. That is actually an extremely low dose, but it did take a noticeable edge off of my anxiety and reduced my panic attacks somewhat. No problem at this point.

Well, within time, I did build up a minor tolerance to the medication, so the doctor prescribed three full .25 tablets a day when needed. Please note the phrase "when needed." I did that, and I was doing very well. An occasional panicky moment here and there, but I was still quite functional.

Eventually, due to several circumstances (insurance, change of doctors, etc.), I began seeing a private psychiatrist. He handed me prescription after prescription for Xanax at each session. Since I only took the medication when I really needed it, I didn't fulfill many of them, and after awhile I began ripping up the stack of prescriptions I had accumulated.

One day, I made mention to this to the psychiatrist. He wasn't exactly mad, but he said that I have been taking Xanax incorrectly. I should take it three times a day regardless if I felt like I needed it or not. By keeping the medication in my system at all times, I should eliminate all of my panic and anxiety issues. It made sense to me at the time, so I followed his advice.

Addiction, here I come!

For those unfamiliar with tranquilizers, particularly benzodiazepines, here is a little personal anecdote from your friend Drake. When I am suffering from severe anxiety, Xanax makes me feel normal - not too calm or high - just normal like an average human being. HOWEVER, if I take a dose when I am not suffering from anxiety, I feel extremely euphoric! Most people say it makes them drowsy, and it does me too, but I also get a wave of tranquility that I have never experienced before. And for someone suffering from depression, it is an incredible welcomed relief!

Everything is now perfect, right? Nope. Reality has a nasty habit of hanging around and getting in the way of things. Despite the fact that I am much less productive while floating in a Xanax cloud, benzodiazepines in general can build up a tolerance rather easily. In fact, once the tolerance is built up, the initial panic and anxiety return even while still using the Xanax. My psychiatrist's solution? Increase the dosage. Problem solved!

If you ever read the paper inserts that come with most medications, there is a casual remark that Xanax "might be habit forming." Whew - And I thought it might be addictive!

Well, to make an already long story less longer, a vicious cycle was now put into place. Take higher doses of Xanax, get high, suddenly the medication quits working for what it was intended for, doctor prescribes a higher dosage.

At some point, an inner voice became concerned. (No, not the inner voice that encourages me to step in front of a speeding bus.) As my dosages where getting close to 7 mg a day (remember, I started out with two halves of .25 mg when needed), I asked the psychiatrist if there was a dosage limit and if I were getting close to it. His response? "Don't worry! I prescribe this to myself all the time."

Ever had the sick, tingling sensation creep through your stomach after an unpleasant realization?

To summarize the rest: I eventually, on my own, tapered down my medication to a more reasonable level. [WARNING: NEVER stop taking benzodiazepines, especially Xanax, abruptly (ie. cold turkey). Do the research first - Convulsions, seizures, and possibly death could occur when abruptly quitting high doses! Even at lower doses, there are a lot of potential problems by stopping too quickly.]

After I had lowered my dose, the anxiety symptoms came back with a vengeance! And now I am experiencing something I've never known before - drug cravings! I literally crave Xanax like I do hunger, thirst, and sex. I don't know if it is the "norm" to have this problem or not, but from what I've read, a few other people have experienced this too. Some former heroin users describe Xanax cravings like heroin cravings - And more than one heroin user has said that heroin was an easier habit to kick then Xanax! (By the way, I have never used heroin or any other "hard" illegal drug. I've added Heroin Helper link on my page because of the valuable information regarding drug cravings and because of the interesting, revealing, yet sad personal stories located there.)

I still take Xanax, but at a much lower dose, but it's a constant battle not to abuse it. After father's death earlier this year, I almost completely lost the battle, but I'm still keeping my head up above the water. Like most things, it will probably take lots of time and lots of patience...

So there you have it: How to become an accidental addict. If anything good has come out of this, it's that I have become MUCH more sensitive and empathetic towards people with addictions. And I hope that maybe something I said in this ridiculously long post might benefit someone out there.

Tomorrow's post: My guitar practicing and more whining. :)

Stay safe and best wishes!
Drake

*I did get smashed one Christmas Eve, thanks to some killer Black Russians my brother concocted. But that was an exception to the norm.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Everyone is talking about my paranoia behind my back again, I just know it!

Well, another delightful day in Drakesville. I managed to go to work for 90 minutes today. Hey, it's a start! I think I should be up to speed to finish out the rest of the work week starting tomorrow. Depression - It's what's for dinner.

But at least I have continued to customize my blogs to my liking today. It's good to have priorities.

I now fondly refer to my "The Slacker Shack" blog as the "green blog," since it's primarily now... um, colored green. And the "Drifting Stars" blog is now my "blue blog" because... Oh, nevermind. At least I no longer get confused bouncing back and forth between two generic black blogs.

Just four days into blogging, and already I've met some really super people. Today's featured blog is "Heartwood Guitar" (aka. A Guitar Teacher's Lesson Notebook). Rob, the guitar instructor at that site, has some VERY helpful tips and suggestions for beginning guitar players like myself. I highly recommend checking it out.

I can't believe how many "Harold and Maude" fans I've met since I've started blogging! Where I live, if you mention Bud Cort, people assume it's a legal forum for marijuana violations.

I also created an image for my "Drifting Stars" story blog. If I can't make it as a writer, I suppose I could always get a job creating cryptic New Age art for space-based religions. Love it or hate it, you'll have to admit that it's definitely blue! Well, unless you're colorblind, then it would be mid-dull ashen grey with some white...

Well, I have run out of words to type for the moment. I guess I will go to Thesaurus.com to learn some more. (Whoa, a Snoop Dogg pop-up ad at Thesaurus.com? Marketing towards high school/college students no doubt. Another demographic that I've been kicked out of...)

Have fun, stay safe!
Drake

Monday, April 25, 2005

A Buffet of Nonsense

Well, missed another day of work. I guess as a precaution, I should clear out my desk tomorrow - Save time if they should decide to fire me. My depression is back in full swing, but instead of being the "slashing-my-wrists-to-stop-the-emotional-turmoil" kind of depression, it is more of the "just-let-me-sleep-because-the-sunlight-is-mocking-me" variety. Add Xanax to the mix and you have a lump of breathing flesh taking up space. Not exactly a cheery day...

I did manage to practice the guitar some. If I try to be positive, I can admit that I do seem to be making some progress at it. I guess I am just impatient and worried that I won't be able to play it successfully. But I'm trying to fight against the urge to quit and keep practicing. I hope to record at least one decent CD of my music before I die someday. Of course, it would be an amazing musical achievement to record one AFTER I die!

A friend (or former friend, or pseudo-friend, or a woman who may not be a friend but plays one on the internet) contacted me in Yahoo Messenger yesterday. It was the first time I've heard from her in months! I had basically written her off, but she was extremely cordial, and I'm not one to be rude unless I absolutely have to. So we briefly chatted. She has the flu and a new boyfriend - Not sure if those two things are related, but that's the news from her. Oh well... Maybe I will hear from her again in August...

For those who are actually reading this, I actually did play in a couple of bands a few years ago, but as a keyboard/synthesizer player. I'm much stronger in the songwriting/composing department than as a musician, but I'm trying to change that. At any rate, I'm thinking of contacting Chonk, a west coast experimental songwriter/musician that reminds me a lot of an early Beck. Maybe while I am trying to strengthen my musical abilities he would consider collaborating with me on some of my earlier forays into music. Something to consider.

A close friend of mine wants to start a band TODAY, but he is much too optimistic and just doesn't realize how hard it is to create, maintain, and promote a band - And a good band at that! Right now, we are still trying to achieve "merely lousy" status.

Enough rambling...
Best Wishes,
Drake

Sunday, April 24, 2005

Hey! A new post!

Well, I'm surprisingly making some noticeable progress at the guitar already, but I still have a looong way to go. Still struggling with making quick chord changes - Hopefully with practice it will come.

So far, I kinda, sorta figured out two of Elliot Smith's songs: "Needle in the Hay" and "Rose Parade." "Miss Misery," however, will take some time - Lots of chord changes and I just don't have the knowledge or dexterity yet.

I just started a fictional story blog last night called "Drifting Stars," and already some kind person thought it was real. One point in my corner for believability!

Time to practice some more before the Xanax takes hold. I dread work tomorrow, but I know I will feel better once I get back into the routine YET again. It's hard to keep the momentum going, but I'm still trying.

Ciao for now!
Drake

Saturday, April 23, 2005

Drifting Stars - A Fictional Blog

I just learned the joy of blogs today, so I decided to create two.

My first one, The Slacker Shack (formerly known as "Oblivion - Embracing Our Obscurity"), is a basically my non-fiction daily journal - A sort of pseudo-documentary of a person who wishes to express his artistic impulses (primarily music), despite emotional difficulties and "terminal" self-doubt. I also hope it will attract others with a similar mindset and will become a quasi-support group for other struggling artists, but that is probably too idealistic a goal.

My newest blog, Drifting Stars, is a completely fictional piece. It is a self-indulgent, creative exercise in depicting the life of an ordinary person who seems to have fallen into extraordinary circumstances.

Remember: Drifting Stars is only fiction!

Be safe and have fun!
Drake

The Joys of Indecisions and Trivial Regrets

Why the hell did I decide to make my blog a minimalistic black design? What am I? Goth? The second day into blogging and already I'm doubting my choice of style. *sigh*

Yeah, yeah, I know... Don't sweat the petty stuff, don't pet the sweaty stuff...

I thought I had something interesting to post. Obviously, I don't. Please forgive this brief interuption.

Ah, Music...

Well, now that I got the obligatory "woe-is-me" post out of the way yesterday, I can now offer a more upbeat one today.

Actually, the day looks gloomy outside my window, but I prefer it that way - It is so much easier on the eyes. In fact, the whole day seems much more tranquil than depressing - Very peaceful and relaxing.

Last night, I finally got up the nerve to try to play one of father's acoustic guitars. He died earlier this year from a diabetes/cancer combination, three days after my birthday. He was a great, kind man... And also an amazing guitar player! He never took lessons but could play wonderful classical and Flamingo by ear. Since he was a near-prodigy at the guitar, he could never teach me. It was so second nature to him that he could not translate his ability to someone else. How does someone teach a colorblind person to see color?

At any rate, I tried playing one of his guitars for awhile, but I so desperately need practice. As fortune would have it, I stumbled upon a nice guitar site today called Guitar.gg. It seems to have a lot of interesting and useful tips.

What else should I mention in my public diary? Well, I'm listening to Cat Stevens at the moment, before he became Yusuf Islam... No comment. I loved his music in "Harold and Maude" - In fact, I just love that movie all together. As a side note, I actually was able to play Harold Chasen in a community theatre production of it back in 1992. It's my only claim to local fame. Sad, huh?

Well, enough rambling for today. I am going to start redoubling my efforts at playing the guitar and enjoy this cool, dark, restful day.

Best wishes to all!

Friday, April 22, 2005

First Post - I guess I'm now officially a blogger... Whee...

A little after noon, a soft, rolling thunder in the background, home from work again due to my chronic depression.

Listening to Elliot Smith, a wonderful songwriter that might have committed suicide in October 2003 - The jury is still out on that one. I wish I could compose and play music 10% as well as he did - It always sounds so childish to hear someone say that "his music speaks for me," but in a way, it really does.

I just popped another couple of Xanax and took a hit of Wild Turkey - I told myself that I would never, ever drink alcohol before 5pm. Somehow in my twisted mind, you are not a problem drinker unless you drink before 5pm. Oh well... On the bright side, the Xanax/alcohol combo does dramatically improve my mood, so I won't worry about it now.

But I am worried about the increase of lightning and thunder, so I will end this maiden posting before the power blinks out and it is lost forever. That would be terrible, huh?

Don't worry - This blog won't become yet another whiney, self-pity page like the endless ones you find on the net. I really have nothing to say that the moment, and I'm just trying to learn how to post to one of these things. I think I'm picking it up rather quickly actually...

Be safe, whoever you are.


Attorney at Law