"The Accidental Addict" (or "Even Good Boys Can Screw Up")

Today, I thought I would take a brief interlude from my usual "guitar talk" and pseudo-whining and share a cautionary tale. ["Beware! This could even happen to YOU! (Authoritative figure pointing to the audience à la "Reefer Madness")]

I never did illegal drugs, only tried smoking cigarettes a few times (didn't care for it and never picked up the habit), rarely ever drank and then only in moderation* when I did. So I lived a fairly clean lifestyle, minus my gluttonous appetite for anything chocolate.

But two things have plagued me most of life: severe depression and extreme anxiety. To this day, doctors are still not sure if I'm bipolar (manic-depressive) or if I suffer from chronic major depression with an anxiety component mixed in. So treating my emotional rollercoaster has been mostly trial-and-error.

I've tried an antidepressant or two over the years... Paxil, Prozac... Oh, and also Effexor. Plus Wellbutrin. And then there was Zoloft. And I can't forget Celexa. I almost could forget Remeron, since I was practically unconscious for days on it. Plus other psychotropic drugs, such as Luvox, Anafranil, Geodon, Risperdal, and Lamictal. I won't bother adding links to all of these medications - If interested, you can research them at The National Alliance for the Mentally Ill or WebMD.

Oh, and just for the record, I didn't take all of those medications at the same time!

Luckily, I am currently on one called Lexapro, and it actually seems to be beneficial for my depression. I guess the thirteenth time's the charm.

So what does this have to do with addiction? Please, just follow along - It starts to get fun!

While battling the various medications for depression, I still had anxiety issues and panic attacks to contend with. I tried a medication called Lorazepam (also known as Ativan), but it worked more like a sleeping pill to me than an anti-anxiety medication.

So a doctor put me on Xanax. Ah, wonderful Xanax! Zanies! Zans! Peach Footballs! Blue Footballs! The Blues! Z bars! Zan Bars! Quad Bars! Totem poles! Double Crosses! Railroad Crossings! Benzos! The medication is so miraculous, you can even spell the name backwards and get the same thing! (For trivia buffs, that is known as a "palindrome.")

But I'm getting way ahead of myself. Initially, my GP prescribed half of a .25 mg tablet twice a day when needed, and I was allowed to go up to 2 full .25 mg tablets in time. That is actually an extremely low dose, but it did take a noticeable edge off of my anxiety and reduced my panic attacks somewhat. No problem at this point.

Well, within time, I did build up a minor tolerance to the medication, so the doctor prescribed three full .25 tablets a day when needed. Please note the phrase "when needed." I did that, and I was doing very well. An occasional panicky moment here and there, but I was still quite functional.

Eventually, due to several circumstances (insurance, change of doctors, etc.), I began seeing a private psychiatrist. He handed me prescription after prescription for Xanax at each session. Since I only took the medication when I really needed it, I didn't fulfill many of them, and after awhile I began ripping up the stack of prescriptions I had accumulated.

One day, I made mention to this to the psychiatrist. He wasn't exactly mad, but he said that I have been taking Xanax incorrectly. I should take it three times a day regardless if I felt like I needed it or not. By keeping the medication in my system at all times, I should eliminate all of my panic and anxiety issues. It made sense to me at the time, so I followed his advice.

Addiction, here I come!

For those unfamiliar with tranquilizers, particularly benzodiazepines, here is a little personal anecdote from your friend Drake. When I am suffering from severe anxiety, Xanax makes me feel normal - not too calm or high - just normal like an average human being. HOWEVER, if I take a dose when I am not suffering from anxiety, I feel extremely euphoric! Most people say it makes them drowsy, and it does me too, but I also get a wave of tranquility that I have never experienced before. And for someone suffering from depression, it is an incredible welcomed relief!

Everything is now perfect, right? Nope. Reality has a nasty habit of hanging around and getting in the way of things. Despite the fact that I am much less productive while floating in a Xanax cloud, benzodiazepines in general can build up a tolerance rather easily. In fact, once the tolerance is built up, the initial panic and anxiety return even while still using the Xanax. My psychiatrist's solution? Increase the dosage. Problem solved!

If you ever read the paper inserts that come with most medications, there is a casual remark that Xanax "might be habit forming." Whew - And I thought it might be addictive!

Well, to make an already long story less longer, a vicious cycle was now put into place. Take higher doses of Xanax, get high, suddenly the medication quits working for what it was intended for, doctor prescribes a higher dosage.

At some point, an inner voice became concerned. (No, not the inner voice that encourages me to step in front of a speeding bus.) As my dosages where getting close to 7 mg a day (remember, I started out with two halves of .25 mg when needed), I asked the psychiatrist if there was a dosage limit and if I were getting close to it. His response? "Don't worry! I prescribe this to myself all the time."

Ever had the sick, tingling sensation creep through your stomach after an unpleasant realization?

To summarize the rest: I eventually, on my own, tapered down my medication to a more reasonable level. [WARNING: NEVER stop taking benzodiazepines, especially Xanax, abruptly (ie. cold turkey). Do the research first - Convulsions, seizures, and possibly death could occur when abruptly quitting high doses! Even at lower doses, there are a lot of potential problems by stopping too quickly.]

After I had lowered my dose, the anxiety symptoms came back with a vengeance! And now I am experiencing something I've never known before - drug cravings! I literally crave Xanax like I do hunger, thirst, and sex. I don't know if it is the "norm" to have this problem or not, but from what I've read, a few other people have experienced this too. Some former heroin users describe Xanax cravings like heroin cravings - And more than one heroin user has said that heroin was an easier habit to kick then Xanax! (By the way, I have never used heroin or any other "hard" illegal drug. I've added Heroin Helper link on my page because of the valuable information regarding drug cravings and because of the interesting, revealing, yet sad personal stories located there.)

I still take Xanax, but at a much lower dose, but it's a constant battle not to abuse it. After father's death earlier this year, I almost completely lost the battle, but I'm still keeping my head up above the water. Like most things, it will probably take lots of time and lots of patience...

So there you have it: How to become an accidental addict. If anything good has come out of this, it's that I have become MUCH more sensitive and empathetic towards people with addictions. And I hope that maybe something I said in this ridiculously long post might benefit someone out there.

Tomorrow's post: My guitar practicing and more whining. :)

Stay safe and best wishes!
Drake

*I did get smashed one Christmas Eve, thanks to some killer Black Russians my brother concocted. But that was an exception to the norm.