The Slacker Shack

Still Alive!

2006-05-04T21:39:00.000-05:00

Wow - I haven't posted anything since December!! Where has the time gone??

I have ssssooo much to report, but just don't have the time right now. The only noteworthy thing worth mentioning is that I'm still working on a soundtrack for a friend's indie film. You can see some information about the film at: http://www.traumaoneentertainment.com/fate

I hope to post more and bring my blog back to life soon.

In the meantime, take care out there!
Drake :)

Project Serpo: The Zeta Reticuli Exchange Program

2005-12-07T21:37:00.000-05:00

Due to the lack of posts and the excesses of alcohol and Xanax, I only have this to offer: Project Serpo.

Learn the truth if you dare!

Peace and hugs,
Drake

Link Update - Heartwood Guitar Blog

2005-11-20T20:03:00.000-05:00

Just a quick note... I've updated the link to the Heartwood Guitar Blog. Definitely worth checking out!

Later!
Drake

The Brian Jonestown Massacre

2005-10-18T22:05:00.000-05:00

Hello again,

I touched upon in my previous post the wonderful documentary "DiG!" Well, I discovered today that the band Brian Jonestown Massacre actually has all of their CDs free for download on their website: http://www.brianjonestownmassacre.com/mp3.html Apparently, Anton Newcombe is so anti-corporate, he is willing to share his music for free. I strongly suggest people interested in quality 60's revivalist music to check them out. This is definitely a musical treasure trove worth exploring!

Still, I personally want to eventually purchase the CDs or make a donation in order to encourage him (and his ever changing band) to continue writing and creating new CDs. This music is too good to be forgotten and lost to time!

Just a recommendation from your buddy, Drake
:)

Still alive? Yep...

2005-10-15T15:11:00.000-05:00

Well, after a very ragged August and September, I'm back to blog once again. The most obvious change to the blog is the color - I never really liked the techno green I originally had.

I also added a few links, the most important of which is The Dandy Warhols' website - I never realized what a great band they were! You can learn more about them and their friends/enemies, the Brian Jonestown Massacre (another good band), in the excellent documentary DiG!

Other news... I'm still trying to churn out a score for a friend's independent film. Due to a difficult summer - hence the lack of blogging - I haven't been too productive on it, but I do have enough pieces to work with to get it finished. And there is talk of me starting a band with a friend. God knows, I'm masochistic enough to do it!

Oh, and I tried slashing my wrists a few weeks ago but ended up severely injuring my right thumb and having to go to the ER because of it. It wasn't a "cry-for-help" thing, nor was I really attempting to commit suicide. I found out the medication I was on, Cymbalta, works on norepinephrine, which acts on adrenaline. In short, it can give a depressed person an extra boost of energy at the wrong time. At any rate, I'm alive, off of Cymbalta, back on Lexapro, taking better care of myself, blah-blah-blah.

So that's about it for now...

Stay safe!
Drake

Sigh...

2005-08-09T11:05:00.000-05:00

Sorry about the previous post. Therapy.

Well, a month off from work, and after one week I'm back on the brink of a nervous breakdown. It's not just my job getting to me - It's a lot of things. Maybe stability and sanity aren't for everyone...

Actually, the work environment is rather entertaining. They are doing renovations on the building I work while we are working in it. It's looks like a bomb went off in it - Huge holes in the walls, doors missing, debris everywhere. And the power and fires alarms go off daily - We've learned to ignore them now. Ain't safety great?

But other than work, health, relationships, money, my internet connection, and my outlook on life, things are going just swell!

Tonight, I'm a little introspective. I'm listening to an album (well, actually CD) I haven't heard in years: The Cars' "Panorama" (1980). It reminds me of an unrequited love that I obsessed over for years and years. Even though it's behind me now, the feelings are still there - Just muted and resigned to the pile of other unrealized dreams. Join the crowd, huh?

"Under the cold and the darkly sky \ You're the only light I've seen"*

Oh well... It could be worse. I might not be a precious little flower. I might not grow in the sunlight.

All these "female teacher caught having an affair with male students" stories are really getting to me too. Without going into detail, there are other memories that I thought were behind me too. What movie had the line, "You can forget your past, but your past won't forget you?"

Well, it's after midnight and I have to be up by 6am. So I will write more later, IF I can get back online again. Stay safe, whoever you are!

Peace Out.
Drake

*From "Up and Down" by The Cars

I'm not a precious little flower. I will not grow in the sunlight.

2005-08-08T22:25:00.000-05:00

I'm not a precious little flower. I will not grow in the sunlight.

Planet Earth Is Blue And There's Nothing I Can Do*

2005-07-28T16:19:00.000-05:00

I don't know these people but I wish I did: Cockeyed

Still nothing worth reporting. I go back to work next week after a month off. I'm sure I will have PLENTY to report then!

Best Wishes!
Drake

*from "Space Oddity" by David Bowie

Pierced!

2005-07-17T17:55:00.000-05:00

I got my left ear pierced today. I guess I'm going through premature midlife crisis or something. Actually, it looks rather nice. And I was surprised that it didn't hurt at all - not even a pin prick!

Next stop: tattoos! Actually, I can't think of a single thing I want permanently inked onto my body, so I expect to remain "tatless." But who knows? Maybe something will inspire me later.

Well... This was a lame post, but at least I'm posting again!

Best Wishes!
Drake :)

Yeah, yeah... I know, I know...

2005-07-16T13:50:00.000-05:00

Hello everyone! Did you give up on me yet?

Sorry I haven't posted for so long. Between medication changes and ISP issues, I haven't been visiting the ol' Slacker Shack recently. Hopefully my updates will be more up-to-date.

Currently, I working on a soundtrack for a friend's indie film. The music consists of techno dance music, so I feel more like a programmer than a composer now. It's actually enjoyable, despite its lacking of heart and emotion. At least it's upbeat and energetic - two words that one wouldn't normally associate with me. :)

In the meantime, stay safe out there and I'll post again soon! Really. Honestly.
Drake

Personally, I Wish Zombies Would Bring the World to an End.

2005-07-02T02:46:00.000-05:00

As usual, I found inspiration while watching George Romero's 1968 classic Night of the Living Dead. For years I've truly believed - and still do - that the human species is destined for extinction, whether by nuclear holocaust, biowarfare/bioterrorism, genetic or quantum experiments gone awry, runaway climate changes, or even by some natural event such as a meteor strike or solar flare.

Don't I have cheery daydreams or what?

True, there already are several forms of zombies that cause much of the world's problems; these are commonly known as "bureaucrats," "religious fanatics," and "academia administrations." (Please note the absence of "journalists" and "politicians" in the above list. Technically these are ghouls, not zombies. There is a subtle difference. Zombies only feed upon the living. Ghouls feed upon both the living and the dead.)

Ah, a cycinism-enriched post for a change...

At any rate, what better way for the human race to come to an end than by its own dead to devour it? Especially if zombies' excretory systems still functioned - A topic never quite touched upon in zombie films. It would take recycling to a whole new level - A wasted human wasting another wasted human. Continuous fertilization.

But would there be zombie plants too? Now that would be a great apocalyptic situation: zombie animals, zombie bugs, zombie bacteria. The stench of the planet would be unbearable in no time.

Assuming that anyone is still reading this insomnia-induced essay, I will leave you a curious anecdote.

One day at work - a very slow day - I suddenly asked my co-workers, if we were in a situation that caused our office to be cut off from the outside world (eg. flood, blizzard, cave-in caused by an earthquake, zombie attack) and we ran out of food, which co-worker would you choose to cannibalize first? This initiated a three-hour discussion that slowly encroached the entire department.

The creepy part is - besides me asking the question in the first place - is that one co-worker knew immediately who he would eat. It was as if he had already thought about this long before the topic came up. (No, it wasn't me. In fact, I wasn't on too many peoples' menus.)

Something to think about the next time you are at work...

Stay Safe!
Drake

My 12594th Day on Earth (or 12227th on Mars)

2005-06-25T10:48:00.000-05:00

Ever wondered what your age would be on other planets? Of course you do - Who doesn't?

Woke up from a dream where I was a successful black man living in a beautiful high rise apartment in New York city. I made a living painting pictures of happy frogs. A former co-worker that I had a "crush" on lived in an apartment across from me, but she didn't see me.

I never question my subconscious. Why should I? It never questions me.

I woke up from the dream, head resting on a drool-coated pillow. Another exercise in humility, even in sleep.

I opened my eyes. Approximately 1 million years ago, two nuclei collided to produce nuclear fusion in the middle of the sun. Over the eons, the photon energy produced from that collision slowly wormed its way through the energy layers of the sun in a random pattern, finally freeing itself from its source star, and in 8 light-minutes it traveled through space to bore through my eyes into the deep recesses of my skull, resulting in pain. The universe is a wonderful thing.

I shielded my eyes from the onslaught of the multitude of other sun-emitted photons and realized that I wasn't a successful black man who painted frogs but instead I am a short, fat white guy who might be losing his deadend job.

I poured myself out of bed.

I hastedly threw on my clothes with the same care I took when I hastedly threw them off last night.

Last night? What happened last night?

Aha! Evidence: An empty bottle of brandy sulking on the floor and a bottle of Xanax cowering on the shelf. It must have been one of those nights.

Oh God... Please tell me I didn't email anyone last night.

Checking email. Two messages sent.

Shit.

Luckily - surprisingly - they were actually coherent and not at all embarassing. Whew...

Left my bedroom to get breakfast. My cat greeted me by using my leg as a scratching post. Thank God for denim jeans.

Turned on the news. Five people arrested in connection of a missing girl in Aruba, three dead boys found in the trunk of a car in New Jersey, fundamentalist hardliner voted into office in Iran, industrial plant explosion in St. Louis, Tom Cruise yet again praises Scientology. Turned off the news. Morbid satisfaction in knowing that, yes, my life could be worse.

Found a package from Amazon.com on the porch. Apparently I ordered 3 DVDs during a mini-manic episode one night. Always great to go on a shopping spree when on the verge of unemployment. The movies were "The Salton Sea," "Another Day in Paradise," and "Drugstore Cowboy." Ah, films about drug using losers trying to survive they hell they've created. Now THAT'S entertainment.

Drinking bland coffee, eating a forgettable breakfast, and thinking about the conversation I had yesterday with the air conditioning repairman. While we were both smoking cigarettes, he was telling me about his heart attack and two strokes he had last year.

Hey, take a look at your future self, Drake!

Bite me, Mr. Conscience! Who invited you to enter my mind?

Too tired and lazy to type anymore. Some other stuff happened, talked to some people, played phone tag with a couple of people, watched my new DVDs in a Xanax haze, hoping I can get medical leave from work since I missed 14 days straight because of neverending depression, listened to music, did some other stuff, feeling overwhelmed with everything, problems with relationships, loss of sex drive, trying to be social with neighbors when I would rather just hide from everyone...

And I watched an unusual spider crawling around the ceiling of my neighbor's indoor porch, its shadow long and distorted, the undulating pulses of light and shadow from the ceiling fan casting over its nearly translucent body. Ironic to be aware of a living presence on the ceiling, knowing that it was probably completely unaware of my existence.

The universe is a wonderful thing.

AAAAARRRRRGGGHHHHH!!!!!

2005-06-24T15:25:00.000-05:00

Need I say more?

Stay safe,
Drake

Wear Gawdy Colors Or Avoid Display*

2005-06-19T14:34:00.000-05:00

Wow - I've REALLY slacked off from posting on my blog about slackers! At least I practice what I preach... :) Thanks to Diana Crabtree for bringing to my attention that I haven't posted for over two weeks!! Time REALLY got away from me...

Like 95+% of all the people you meet online, I suffer from depression from time to time, and the past couple of weeks were quite bad. It wasn't a "suicidal" depression but more like "I-just-want-to-stay-asleep-and-enjoy-my-dreams-since-they-are-much-better-than-reality-and-besides-I-have-no-energy-or-desire-to-do-anything-while-awake" depression (aka. IJWTSAAEMDSTAMBTRABIHNEODTDAWA).

Besides missing LOTS of work and sleeping, not much else has been going on with me. Despite my massive amounts of absenteeism, I still have my job - My theory is that I am a morbid curiosity to my employers and that they are taking bets on whether I will quit or commit suicide. Seriously, I am considering taking official medical leave if another bout of this chronic fatigue type depression should hit me again.

Since I really don't have anything to offer in the way of news, entertainment, or slackerdom, this post is really just an announcement that I'm still around and plan to continue blogging whenever possible - I have no intentions of quitting the blog world! The Slacker Shack's door is alway open for all.

That said, my "Drifting Stars" blog has sort of drifted away. I'm still considering continuing the story there in the future, but for now it is on hiatus until I have more energy to invest in it.

I'm going to use this time today to start reading up on my blogger companions' blogs to see what is going on in their lives.

Best wishes to everyone! Alway feel free to drop me a note at my email address!
Drake :)

*Lyric from "Wiggly World (1979)," Devo

ZetaZen's BlackLoveZone

2005-06-04T02:30:00.000-05:00

Hello again, everyone!

Time to promote a fellow blogger in her endeavors. One of the main purposes of "The Slacker Shack" is to help promote and support other artists/musicians/writers and other related sites, and somehow I have gotten a bit off track.

I recommend a visit to ZetaZen's blog "Single Black Mother," which, by the way, has been chosen as one of 59 bloggers for "59Bloggers.Com - The Movie." Be sure to also check out her online R&B radio station, BlackLoveZone.

Congratulations to ZetaZen!

Best Wishes,
Drake :)

Codename: Cupcake

2005-06-04T02:25:00.000-05:00

Begin Transmission:

Special Agent Drake to Agent Cupcake from The Netherlands:

Enjoyed communication on 02.06.05
Sending best wishes to you - Hope news is good next week!
Thinking of you!

End of Transmission...

Damn that Vanilla Ice, 51st Wedding Anniversary, More Death Stuff, Lost on the Backroads, Haunted by my Past, and World Domination at the Tobacconist

2005-05-31T22:18:00.000-05:00

Hi there! I think the title of this post basically sums up my day... But still, I will elucidate.

Elucidate, not hallucinate. But I can always hope!

As I was getting ready for work this morning, I suddenly was inflicted with a flashback to Vanilla Ice's "Ice Ice Baby" running through my mind. Why, oh why is that song still taking up space in my gray matter, and why did it suddenly decide to invade my consciousness while showering??

If there is a problem, yo, I'll solve it - Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it!

*sigh*

Well, today would have been my parent's 51st wedding anniversary. As far as mother is concerned, it still is. She said she will always be married to father - They truly loved each other and had a wonderful marriage throughout the years. It's so rare to see such love these days. Overall, she handled the day very well.

Today is also the birthday of a dear lady friend of mine who just lost her husband earlier this month. Her health is so bad, I always assumed she would go before him. I called her and she sounded very weak. I hope to see her soon, hopefully to help her in some way.

But enough about death. I don't want this to become known as "The Slacker Morgue!"

Later in the day, I tried to go to another friend's house, and somewhere along the way I realized that I had forgotten where he lived - I hadn't been there since 1999! The backroads were deadly - VERY hilly, curvy, and narrow and large, wide trucks fly through them. Even Xanax couldn't calm me down! But I did manage to find a lot of obscure shortcuts to various places in town along the way.

And then I stumbled across a place I haven't been to in years and years. Without going too much into my sordid past, it was a place where a... *coughhighschoolteachercough* and I would go to... "talk." And yes, that is a euphemism. One of many influences that have resulted in my attraction to only older women.

And a situation that I am often reminded of whenever I hear in the news about female teachers getting caught with male students. Probably yet another cause of stress and depression in my life...

But I digress!

It was ssssoooo very strange to be back there again - I had forgotten where the spot was located. And boy, did the flashbacks ever hit hard!

And yet, it also made me realize the passage of time. When we were there together in the mid to late 80's, it was a barren cul-de-sac. Now it is surrounded by houses and duplexes - Completely built up. And so it goes...

But to end this post on a more humorous moment... Today, while visiting the tobacconist shop, there was a curious women in her early 60's waiting ahead of me. She was a bit attractive but looked rather frustrated. She was nice enough to me at first, told me to go in front of her, but then suddenly she started to complain about the increase in sales tax for cigarettes. As she spoke, I could hear the anger in her voice build. She finally said the entire government needs to be completely torn down and destroyed.

In the middle of her building tirade, she became ticked off at the people stopping at the drive-by window to purchase their cigarettes. She said they were lazy and if she had her way, she would demand them to come inside the shop.

Suddenly, she looked me up and down and gazed at me - I got the feeling she was trying to read my response to her comments. I smiled and winked at her (yeah, I can be a flirt at times!), and she smiled back and said we really needed a dictator to set things right. I decided at that point that it would probably be best to remain silent and just continue to smile.

As soon as I got my carton of Kools (probably my last cigarette purchase since I plan to quit by the end of the month), I wished her the best and she smiled back, saying that she should be the one in charge of the country, and then she wished me a good day.

I felt better after that incident. I suddenly realized that I'm not nearly as high-strung as I thought I was!

Well... I think I've given you a decent snapshot of my day. Try not to be too jealous of me...

Word to your mother,
Drake

Without You

2005-05-30T00:48:00.000-05:00

Sunrays raining down on me
Givin' sweat to hide my tears.
Hidden, muted melodies
Lost behind the years
That I had without you.

Heat risin' from the streets
No sweet breeze comes my way.
Summer won't be my friend
It's loneliness everyday
That I have without you.

And I don't care if the gardens grow,
For no seeds I will sow.
Like you, the flowers will only die in the end.

And I don't want to carry on,
But still I will move along.
And wait for my winter to take me to you, my friend.

And no drink will end these dreams
Still I have one with a cigarette.
No blue sky behind those clouds
Only disappointment and the regret
That I live without you.

And still I live without you.

2005: The Year of Death

2005-05-29T14:58:00.000-05:00

Hello again, everyone!

As you can probably tell from the title, this hasn't exactly been a very good year, at least from my point of view. But this isn't one of my "pity me" posts - Just a therapeutic outlet for some of the thoughts going through my mind. (Where else would thoughts go through? The gutter?)

So please, bear with me... Or bare with me, if you are a nudist.

My father died at on January 4th this year, three days after my birthday, and that horrible event has apparently set the tone for the entire year. It seems like every other week at work we get an email about someone else who has either lost a parent or a spouse, so I know I am definitely not alone in my grief. The number of co-workers to lose a loved-one this year is quite high, even for the moderate size college where I work.

Then a friend of mine lost her father suddenly to a heart attack in February. And a lady friend of mine lost her husband earlier this month.

And then I found out yesterday someone I've occassionally chatted with online died within the past week. Surprisingly, even though I wasn't a very close friend to this online chatter, his death really shook me up. I think it is mostly because he always included his age in his chatting alias like I do, so I saw the number increase year after year. He was only 29.

I don't consider myself superstitious (Shut up about my UFO links), but it seems like death is penetrating my life little by little every week. I know it's completely psychological, but it's still unnerving. I think I've been relatively lucky throughout my short life (I still consider 34 very young, thank you!) that now that death (a natural event that is, sadly, a part of life) is happening closer to home, I am much more aware of it. Plus, I know we are all marching closer to death at different rates - I could live another 40 years or die before I publish this post. So it's easy to allow myself to dwell on death.

I don't fear death as much as I do dying. Actually, I don't fear dying so much as I do pain! Yes, I am a wimp, but at least I'm honest about it.

So right now, I'm trying to keep my sense of humor, trying not to allow myself to go to that "dark place" where suicidal thoughts reside, and plan to spit in the eye of Death for another day.

I'll end this post with a quote from Mike, a character in one of my favorite British comedies, "The Young Ones": 'Suicide may be a great hobby, but I wouldn't do it for a living.'

Stay safe and alive!
Drake

Hangover

2005-05-28T14:23:00.000-05:00

Ow.

Hedonistic Pleasures, A Shortening Lifespan, and Other Crap

2005-05-28T01:17:00.000-05:00

Ah, an enjoyable evening, even if I took a few years of my life (Funny how that often happens).

I tried a variety of brands of cigarettes now. Tonight I tried Kool Milds and Pall Mall Milds. Well, if the Pall Mall Milds are mild, I HATE to try the full flavor ones - Sheesh!! Snorting asbestos would probably be healthier. The Kools, however, scare me - Because they are actually delicious and enjoyable.

So far, cigarettes were only an experiment and didn't make much of an impression on me, but the Kools are actually sort of addictive. Who would have guessed cigarettes could be habit forming? It's not like we haven't been warned an infinite amount of times!

And then I learned something new today. Menthol cigarettes (like Kools) cause crystalization on the interior of the lungs - Great for lung cancer! (Giggles!) Oops... Oh well, live and learn... And die.

I heard that each cigarette takes about 7 minutes off of one's life. But I'm not really too worried about that - Driving in this town takes about 2.5 decades off of one's life! Why is everyone is such a damn hurry??

Kind of a side note... The woman I bought the Pall Malls from was a student I went to high school with. I mentioned that we went to high school together, and she said "yeah," and went on about her business. For some reason, that kind of annoyed me. Don't get me wrong - I didn't expect an open-armed hug and an emotional reunion, but I thought there would be more than a "yeah" response. We haven't seen each other in 16 years - The "yeah" response was more like a 4 day absence, not a 16 year one.

And suddenly, I was transported to my elementary, middle, and high school days. And then I realized that having my teeth slowly broken out with a bottle opener would have been much more enjoyable than to relive those days. Memories...

Enough of that...

So, I had a "bartender's Dr. Pepper," which a rich beer (in my case, an amber Dos Equis) mixed with an amaretto liqueur. It tastes a little like a flat Dr. Pepper but with a HUGE kick to it. I've had it before, but this was the first time I had it while on Buspar and a diabetic medication. Oops again! Live and learn... And die some more. Oh well...

So I sat outside, drinking and smoking away, listening to "Weird Al" Yankovic tunes, the neighbor's cat falling asleep in my lap, while I watch the stars slowly moving across the sky, while the chemical concoction churns away in my stomach, liver, and brain. Quite peaceful and enjoyable actually. And probably a little more than unhealthy.

So... Now, I'm blogging away aimlessly while trying to figure out how I am going to get up in time to see a car show with a friend of mine in a few hours. Actually, I don't want to go. I like 50's cars, but only when they are like showroom cars of the 1950's, not these tacky, suped up hotrods with flames painted on the sides.

But this dear friend of mine really wants me to go, so I will still consider it. Her cousin that is interested in me will be there, but HE really is not my type. Don't get me wrong - I'm not homophobic. But still...

At any rate, my ego and self-esteem are so bruised that I feel better knowing that someone, ANYONE, could be interested in me. But then, I usually attract four types of people: alcoholic women, married women, married alcoholic women, and men. And people wonder why I am always alone...

Well, I've rambled enough for tonight, I suppose. One last bit of disappointing news... The only "college club" in my area has shut down. I've only been there once for lunch and was hoping to go there on a weekend night to find the more "artistic" types, but alas, it is not to be. I guess I need to move to a bigger city. I've really out grown small town living.

I guess I will finish my booze, give up on going to the car show in the morning, and continue to search for either UFO reports or granny porn. (Dear God... Did I just type that out loud??)

Ciao for now, stay safe, have fun, and remember to floss,
Drake

I love you.

2005-05-26T14:53:00.000-05:00

Why don't you love me?

Well, I crashed after nearly 46 hours of no sleep. And when the crash came, it came quickly and hard! Luckily, I didn't hit a suicidal low that often follows a hypomanic state, but my energy level is decimated. Missed work yesterday and today - I have no idea how I have kept my job so long! I REALLY hate not being reliable at work - I REALLY hate feeling the way I do. But... I'm not going to solve it by whining about it here.

Lots of strange dreams again, now that I'm able to sleep again. I noticed that most of my dreams lately involve significant crowds of people. Usually, I am in solitude in my dreams, or only have a small cast of dream characters with me. Now, it seems that I have dozens upon dozens of extras following me around or surrounding me in my dreams. I'm not too keen on dream analysis, so I don't know if this meanings anything or not. I just prefer more sparsely populated dream worlds.

Still practicing guitar. I'm trying to evolve away a bit from The Ramones' power chord songs to more serene and delicate songs like "April Come She Will" by Simon and Garfunkel. I still have a looong way to go, but I have no deadline (except the FINAL deadline of life) to learn it, so I'm just going at my own pace. Still hope to be able to create at least one decent, important, and meaningful CD of music in my life. Just need to keep at it...

I am still considering a Slacker Shack forum, but I want to be sure I do it right the first time, so I'm still shopping around for free hosted forums that look decent (and safe) enough to explore. I will still keep my blog for news, ideas, and journal entries even if I do create a forum for more interactivity.

Well. I have nothing more to say right now. So there.

Stay safe!
Drake

Doo-Da-Doo Doo-Da-Doo-Da

2005-05-24T23:21:00.000-05:00

I'm stinging from the pain,
Still stinging from the pain.
What a horrible feeling,
I'm crying again.

I'm cursing at crowds,
So rude when they shove.
Beating bums at Wal-Mart,
And I'm not wearing a glove...

38.5 hours without any sleep. Why can't I sleep? 38.5 hours without any sleep. Why can't I SLEEP?? 38.5 hours without any sleep. WHY?!?!!

Screw aging! After all, aging screws us! (And some other gibberish...)

2005-05-24T03:32:00.000-05:00

Hi there! It's nearly 4am, and I'm in the middle of a rare hypomanic state - Quite pleasant actually! Took my Xanax, no caffeine, and my mind is still buzzing away. Since I normally get up at 6am for work, I have a strong feeling that I'm not going to bed tonight! How's that for anarchy?!

Getting back to the title of my post... I read an article on MSN today about Beck (one of my favorite songwriter/musicians) and Shirley Manson (lead singer of Garbage, another one of my favorite bands). While the reviews of their latest works were good, the author made a issue about how Beck was in his mid-30's and how Manson was pushing 40.

So friggin' what?! Is there a certain age when music artists must hang up their guitars? I don't give a damn if they are in their 80's. If they rock, they rock - Period!

And since when was 30's and 40's "old?" Maybe I'm prejudice because I'm 34 myself, but I'm sick of the youth-only-oriented culture. Don't get me wrong - I support and encourage preteens and pre-20 somethings to pursue their artistic interests. I can adapt with the times. But I still don't think there should be a retirement age for musicians, regardless of their genre. I would prefer listening to a 60 year old punk than to a 24 year old pretty boy. (Are you listening, Justin Timberlake?)

And I'll be damned if I fit into someone else's mold of how I should look and act at my age. I feel more like a twenty-something now at 34 than I did when I was actually twenty-something. Of course, I was so drugged up with anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications while I was in my 20's that I do feel like I missed a few years of my life.

So I'm a "late-bloomer." So what? Maybe it's pathetic that I feel like "raging against the machine" and developing a serious disdain for the corporate and conventional world now at my age - But then, maybe it was pathetic that I supported the establishment so much when I was in my 20's.

Of course, add the fact that I date significantly older women to the mix and you get a severe generational screw-up on your hands. My MP3 playlist often goes from Tony Bennett to The Sex Pistols to The Beatles to Glenn Miller to The Cars.

If I should live long enough, I might join the indie music scene when I hit 40. And if I get slammed because of my age, so be it - I can slam others too!

Crap... I think I have poison ivy on the pinkie of my right hand. Must have been from petting the neighbor's cat.

Um... What was I talking about? Nevermind, doesn't matter... About another 90 minutes or so, I will have been up for 24 hours.

Oh... For those who managed to last through my rambling... What is your opinion about me creating a forum for poets, writers, and musicians - primarily to promote either long distant collaboration or to help people find like-minded artists in their area? I don't know what I should use to host the forum, and I know how forums tend to get trashed by script-kiddies, but I would like to create something a bit more interactive. Or better yet, if you know of a forum like this already out there, please let me know. I not an egotist - I don't mind if someone else does all the work! :)

Being a blog, The Slacker Shack tends to be a little too one-sided, with me doing most of the typing. While I enjoy my self-indulgent, semi-coherent rants, I do like interaction. Just thought I would throw that idea out into the ethers...

Ciao for now,
Drake

Diabetes, Anxiety, Cigarettes, Depression, and Pornography

2005-05-20T14:59:00.000-05:00

Well, the doctor says I am as close to being diabetic as one can be without being fully diabetic. So I have to pretend that I am diabetic to stave off getting the full-blown disease.

Which means I probably shouldn't be eating this box of Russell Stover French Chocolate Mints. Oh well... I am now on a medication (up to 8 different pills now!) called "Glucophage XR." It was one of the medications my father was on. Nice to know my family is still helping to keep this pharmaceutical's stock up. At any rate, less alcohol and sweets and more exercising and salads in my future. Yes, I am laughing too...

I am also now on a generic form of Buspar (Buspirone), which is supposed to help with anxiety. It takes a while for it to build up in my system, so I am still taking Xanax. Together, they are knocking me off my ass - And I like it!!

As for cigarettes, for the smokers out there... What is your favorite brand and why? I am still looking to experiment with other brands. I have tried:

Doral Menthol Lights
(Okay to start out with, but I am not too fond of the aftertaste.)

Camel Lights
(I smoke these now - Sometimes they taste better than other times. Sometimes there is a very burnt-paper taste to them.)

Marlboro Lights
(I only tried two of these and they seemed pretty good.)

Winston
(I was pretty wasted when I tried these, so I cannot remember what they were like.)

Unify
(A pack of Unify is approximately 50 cents - Enough said? I couldn't even feel the smoke, much less taste it. I think these would be good for prop cigarettes for non-smoking actors in a play.)

And yes, to all you non-smoking, health-conscious intellectuals, I know smoking light cigarettes are no more safer than drinking a Diet Coke while eating a Big Mac will help one to lose weight. There - I beat you to it. Ha!

Now on to depression...
I had a sudden urge last night to write down various "flavors" of depression as I see them (And yes, many do overlap):

1. Self-Destructive: Rather obvious description. Either directly suicidal tendencies or just not taking very good care of one's self because of depression.

2. Withdrawing: The kind of depression I am in right now. Avoiding friends, co-workers, family. Sometimes even attempt to put a strain in a friendship in order to push him/her away. Solitude.

3. Showy: Hey, look everyone! I'm depressed! See how miserable I am?

4. Moping: Similiar to Withdrawing, but generally opposite to Showy. Lack of energy to really do much of anything else.

5. Self-Perpetuating: When depressed, why not listen to Pink Floyd's "The Wall," or maybe watch "Requiem for a Dream" over and over again?

6. Cerebral/Philosophical/Existential: I am a prisoner of life, and we are all on death row.

7. Nostalgic: Ah, the good old days. I wish I could go back to those wonderful days of yesteryear. Ironic how I have forgotten how I tried to commit suicide back then too.

8. Rebellous: Depression often confused as anger. (Some say depression is only anger turn inward. Of course, some would say that, wouldn't they?) Gee, why is quiet, sweet Johnny smoking, getting tattoos, and showing up to work reeking of Early Times?

9. Artistic/Creative: Why suffer personally when your fictional characters can do it for you? Besides, you can always kill yourself later and get a literary class designed after you (Virginia Woolf, Ernest Hemingway, Sylvia Plath, etc.)

10. Mourning: Generally considered a normal form of depression. Loss of a loved-one, loss of a dream. My main brand of depression of 2005, so far.

11. Chemical-Imbalance: When the brain decides how you are going to feel, whether you like it or not. Work is great, family life is great, financially things are great, but an unending urge to jump from the 23rd floor of the Plaza Royale Hotel keeps taking center stage in your brain for some reason. I often suffer this depression too, minus the great job, great family life, and great finances.

12. Self-Disappointment: It's no one's fault but your own. You cannot live up to your own goals and dreams. If you could, you don't know how. Or other forms of depression keep throwing obstacles in your way.

Please, feel free to add your own flavors of depression to the list. Maybe we can send an email chain-letter around to counteract all of those happy, life-is-great ones our friends, family, and co-workers bombard us with.

As for pornography...

I just added that to the title to get more readers. Psyche!

Selma Diamond (August 5, 1920 - May 13, 1985)

2005-05-13T22:56:00.000-05:00

This is going to be one of the more revealing, personal posts that I, Drake, will probably ever post.

I have had several Xanax tonight, plus several cups of "Poison" - an 80 proof wildberry brandy. On top of that, I chain-smoked nearly a pack of Camel Lights. I'm a bit "messed up" tonight, but I think I can post somewhat coherently, if very slowly. Time is compressed tonight - Minutes feel like seconds.

This is a rather personal post, probably very stream-of-consciousness.

I've just come back in from outside from listening to several songs (with personal meanings to me) on my Rio MP3 player. I'm barely conscious at the moment - Hard to focus my eyes.

20 years ago today, an actress, Selma Diamond, died of lung cancer. She is probably best known as "Selma Hacker" on the sitcom "Night Court."

Selma Diamond as "Selma Hacker"
on NBC's "Night Court"

To make an extremely long story short, I had a terrible crush on her. In fact, I became infatuated with her just days before her death. I had no idea how ill she was.

It's all very hard to explain, even when I'm entirely sober. As I have strongly hinted in the past, I've been very attracted to older women.

I will warn you now, this is a very self-indulgent post. Plus, with the chemical "enhancements" tonight, my confession to the blog-world will probably be very confusing. Feel free to ignore this post and know that I am doing it for my own peace of mind.

I just came back from outside, listening to music, watching the world become a series of silhouettes - Black leaves and trees against a white, overcast sky. The world is very black and white to me visually, even if my emotions are several layers of gray.

To make a long story short, I became greatly infatuated with the 64 year old actress days before her death. I still have the video recording of the episode of "Night Court" from 1985, that honors her just days after her death.

I made a pact to myself to commit suicide on the one year anniversary of her death (May 13, 1986), but obviously I chickened out. Ironically, I began a 3+ year affair with a high school teacher on the 13th month of her death (June 13th, 1986). The teacher was 28 years older than I. This is a long story, worthy of a series of posts on its own.

At any rate, I remember hearing of Selma's death back on May 13th, 1985 (Some sources, however, date her death May 14th). Once I heard she died of lung cancer from smoking, after school (I was in the 8th grade) I immediately ripped out all cigarette advertisements from the "TV Guide." I was so disgusted, so disappointed with the news of her death. I swore then that I would never smoke.

Fast forward 20 years, and I'm now smoking with the best of them. I think if she were still alive, she would have continued to smoke. Some people make decisions on how to live their lives, consquences be damned. And I tend to respect that attitude.

So in short, if no one else in the entire world remembers Selma or the date of her death, I still do.

Drake

May-December Relationships

2005-05-09T21:22:00.000-05:00

Yay! A bonus post!

I added a link for May-December Relationships. It's for a website called "Ageless Love," and it is for both older women/younger men and older men/younger women. It's worth checking out if you are interested in such a relationship.

And I agree with Diana (in a previous comment) regarding this subject. I could never imagine being with a woman even close to my age.

But that's another post. Not really in the mood to discuss relationships tonight. I just wanted to point out that May-December support site.

Peace,
Drake

What the hell am I doing??

2005-05-09T21:12:00.000-05:00

Howdy.

Well, while in the process of reducing my Xanax, I've become a smoker!! How did THAT happen?

Luckily, it's more of a nervous habit as opposed to an addiction - At least, it is so far. While I CRAVE Xanax, I only use cigarettes when I'm either bored or feeling restless. I really don't desire them after the first two initial puffs. Most of the time, I can taste the burning paper - Not exactly delicious. But still...

Of course, the people and students at work (I work at a community college) treat me like a leper now. I kinda like that! I am a dichotomy - I am a "people pleaser" that occasionally likes to tick people off. Not really out to offend anyone, but I do find it funny when people suddenly become so indignant. It seems to be a mechanism that makes them suddenly feel superior, even if in only a temporary, superficial way, and they aren't even aware of it.

And of course, my irreverent attitude only makes it worse:

Person: Those things will kill you.
Me: You promise?? (Or: Damn! You mean I won't live forever now?)

Person: I've heard each cigarette takes 7 minutes off of your life?
Me: How many times does 7 minutes go into 4 decades?

Person: Do you smoke? (While I am smoking a cigarette in front of them.)
Me: No. The cigarette smokes while it burns; I just inhale it.

Person: Why are you smoking?
Me: Because heroin is illegal.

Person: Are you aware that smoking will shorten your life?
Me: Are you aware that nagging me about my smoking will shorten yours too?

And so on...

But really, I think this is just a passing thing. So far, I crave ice cream more than I do nicotine. In fact, I don't even feel like nicotine is doing anything to me. Maybe the Lexapro interferes with it like Wellbutrin does.

So that is my "sin" of the moment.

As for work... I hate that place, I hate the politics involved, I hate they way they crush people's motivation and incentive to work harder and better, and I would love to... Nevermind. I don't want to get Homeland Security paranoid.

Well, back to ingesting a cancer-causing product while listening to music on my Rio while watching the stars behind an overcast sky. Saw a few "shooting stars" last night - Beautiful!

Ciao for now!
Drake :)

Nervous Breakdowns, Existential Voids, and Other Vacation Packages

2005-05-03T23:55:00.000-05:00

Hello again! And a special "hello" to all the friendly people who left comments - I plan to thank you individually when I'm more awake (ie. less Xanaxed for "nite-nite").

I just felt a little explanation was due regarding my minor momentary mental meltdowns. (Someday I might also explain the all in all illogical allure of alliteration.)

Obviously, it is normal to be extremely depressed and emotionally down when you lose someone you love. In my case, my father died earlier this year. I know I'm not the only person to lose a parent or a close loved-one, so I don't think the world is being unfair only to me.

Plus, statistically I should have had a happy life: My parents had a wonderful, loving marriage for 50 years, no drug and alcohol abuse in my family (well... At least not so far *cough, cough*), modest yet adequate living conditions throughout my life, great relationship with both my brother and sister, etc. Even with a couple "sensitive episodes" in my younger life (Hint: There's a reason why I only date much older women), I should not have reoccurring episodes of suicidal depression. At least, it would appear that way on paper.

However, my natural brain chemistry decided early on to play "little jokes" on me:

Neuron A: "Hey, let's withhold some serotonin from him today! I bet that'll make him cry! Ha ha!"

Neuron B: "Cool! While we're at it, let's hide all his happy memories and replace them with an overpowering urge to walk in front of a speeding bus!"

You get the picture...

I know there are people who have suffered and who are suffering MUCH, MUCH more than I have and hopefully ever will, but still my mind's emotional threshold and stability still affects me in many, not-so-heathly ways nonetheless. I don't blame society, my circumstances, or my parents for my emotional ills - Just my parents' genes! (Emotional/mental illness runs in both sides of the family - Even my brother and sister and my sister's children show signs.)

So please forgive me if it ever appears that I am excessively whining. Don't get me wrong - I probably AM excessively whining! I just apologize that it appears that way. :)

So, I combat my emotional turmoil with as much humor as I can muster (somedays that's nearly an impossible task), with proper medication and exercise (when I'm in "good boy mode"), or with slow-suicidal behaviors, such as increased drinking and restarting smoking (which luckily I can instantly quit both whenever I choose - Xanax, on the other hand... *cough, cough*), binge eating, and/or excessive sleeping when my "bad boy mode" takes dominance.

And now blogging has been added to the list of diversions, which is rather cool since I can do it regardless of which "mode" I'm in. That should help to keep my posts varied! :)

Well, just thought I would give you a little more insight into your pal Drake's noggin...

Thanks again for the comments! I will reply back tomorrow when I can keep everyone's blogger names straight in my mind.

But in the meantime, I offer you this gift of optical illusions I discovered today. Just don't get a migraine!

Best of wishes to all!
Drake

Interesting...

2005-05-02T19:58:00.000-05:00

When I started blogging about a week ago or so, I thought this blog would get most of the attention and that my experimental fictional blog, Drifting Stars, would mostly be ignored. Well, according to BlogExplosion, Drifting Stars seems to be getting much more attention! Not complaining, of course... Just mostly curious as to why. I've never been good at predicting human behavior...

Speaking of which... For those who have seen the movie "Office Space," you'll appreciate this. I missed 5 (yes, FIVE) consecutive days of work last week because of a mini-nervous breakdown - sadly, one of many in my life. When I returned to work last Thursday, I had wondered if I would still have a job. Well... Today, they are considering PROMOTING me!! It's only in the discussion stage, it probably won't even happen. But still... Jeez!!

I repeat - I've NEVER been good at predicting human behavior!

Well, back to practicing the guitar and surfing BlogExplosion. I will need to go back to the dozens of blogs I've "blockmarked" to explore them further. Lots of interesting people and things out there!

Take care, Drake

The Center for Prevention of Shopping Cart Abuse

2005-05-02T19:13:00.000-05:00

The Center for Prevention of Shopping Cart Abuse

Please don't ask - I don't know either. But I still felt compelled to share.

Drake

Okay, Fair Enough...

2005-05-01T23:03:00.000-05:00

I apologize for the insinuated cynicism of my previous post. I was just pondering the fact that tomorrow was going to be Monday. (Well, actually it still is going to be Monday - No amount of harmful chemicals will change that fact.)

So as a "peace offering," I offer the following link to an old internet game that might be new to a few of you: Poke Alex in the Eye. You might want to try AutoPoke first to get the gist of it, and then try JavaPoke for some interactive fun. You will need to install the latest version of Shockwave for the PokePro and PokePlus. Have an enjoyable poke!

Time for bed... Goodnight, World!
Drake

4 Cigarettes, 2 Xanax, and a Few Shots of Johnnie Walker Red Label

2005-05-01T20:52:00.000-05:00

Need I say more?

Ciao,
Drake

Happily Blind with 20/20 Vision

2005-05-01T11:51:00.000-05:00

Here's an interesting (and possibly controversial) test hosted at Harvard's website: Implicit Association Test. The theory is that we subconsciously have prejudices and preferences, whether racial, age, gender, or some other category that divides us into groups.

Project Implicit, the creators of the Implicit Association Test (IAT), which is still either under revision or in the process of being confirmed from what I could tell from the website, is designed to determine those hidden preferences/prejudices that may unknowingly influence our daily thoughts and decisions. However, if you should decide to take the test, think critically about the results. If you are a white male and should score a higher preference percentage for European races, this does not mean your inner child is goose-stepping to "Deutschland Über Alles!" It may only mean that your culture, personal experience, and environment has influenced you to that preference.

Now for a personal aside...

With the exception of the Age IAT, I scored no preference for any of the other listed categories! What does this mean? Possibly, nothing. But it seems to confirm what I have always felt: With the exception of their behavior, I truly seem blind to other people's differences. In other words, I judge people on how they behave (rudeness, kindness, etc.) as opposed to their outer appearance. The only exception to that would be age preference, which makes sense to me since I've been around mostly older people throughout my life and that I date only significantly older women. (That's a whole other post!)

Contining with this thought for just a moment longer (I'm sure I've lost most of my audience by now anyway), I remember as a child, probably 4 years old or so, and playing with a group of children in a creepy place. I think it was either at a hospital or doctor's office, where they have a section of filthy toys for the patients' children to occupy themselves with. I recall playing with two girls who happened to be black. I didn't think anything about it at all - We were three children having fun in a dark, moody environment.

Suddenly, an older woman (probably only in her 20s back then but she seemed older to a 4 year old) told me, almost demanded me, to come over to her. So I obediently did as she said and left my two playmates behind. The woman took me aside and told me in a serious voice, "You shouldn't being playing with them. Those are niggers." HER words, NOT mine!

The stern woman left, and I looked back at the two little girls still playing away. One looked back at me, as if to wonder if I was about to resume playing with them. Somehow, I felt like I had done something bad, so I just sat in one of the stained blue chairs (Where the hell was I? I recall the whole place looking run down!), and waited for my mother to return.

I didn't know what a "nigger" was. The woman could have told me not to play with them because they were communists, Taoists, Norwegians... It would have been the same to me.

I told my mother about this incident years later, and she was furious! If I had told her about it back then, there would have been a serious confrontation between mother and whoever that strange, racist woman was. It would probably have shocked the racist stranger too; While I look white German-Irish, my mother definitely shows her Cherokee heritage!

I guess the point I am making with this recollection is that I seriously suspect racism, as well as many other -isms, are a result of cultural conditioning. We all use labels to separate each other: Caucasians, African-Americans, young, old, etc. If we could reboot the planet and start over with humans, would it turn out the same way? I don't know. Probably yes, maybe not...

Okay, now I am falling into rambling-mode. Always a good place to end a post! Just some food for thought and an excuse for me to post to my blog...

Best wishes to you, regardless of your label!
Drake :)

PSA

2005-04-30T12:17:00.000-05:00

Sorry, but my mind isn't working well enough at the moment to post anything worth reading. So all I can offer is this Public Service Announcement I created. Stay safe! Drake

BlogExplosion.Com

2005-04-28T20:27:00.000-05:00

Hmmm... I discovered a couple of things last night.

One is BlogExplosion, a site that helps people bring traffic to their blogs. Once you sign up and enter your blog URL, you get to see a series of random blogs. The more blogs you see in circulation, the more your blog is put into circulation for others to see at BlogExplosion. The mechanism to prevent cheating is actually sort of clever, and the service exposes one to many, MANY different types of blogs. (There are ways to filter the blogs you are shown by subject matter.)

The second thing I discovered is just how many freakin' blogs there are out there!! This isn't a complaint - I think it's great that so many people have access to the ability to share their lives, interests, skills, etc. to a global audience. But it is still so overwhelming to realize how many blogs are out there. And the ones you see at BlogExplosion are ONLY the ones that have been registered with BlogExplosion. There are thousands more out there that aren't even in their circulation.

In my opinion, the service is worth checking out. It's free, it doesn't add any adverts to your blog, and it gives you an opportunity to find other people with similar interests. (As well as thousands that will bore you to tears!)

On a personal level, I finally made it back to work today. I think my deep, severe depression is starting to lift a little - And I don't think it's just the Johnnie Walker Red Label talking either!

And I want to hurt the person who ever came up with the F-barre chord pattern for the guitar. Obviously, Carpal Tunnel Syndrome was an alien concept to him!

Best of wishes!
Drake

Name Change

2005-04-27T23:10:00.000-05:00

I decided to rename my blog "The Slacker Shack." "Oblivion - Embracing Our Obscurity" seemed a tad bit negative, and it slowly dawned on me that it didn't have the right bohemian/beatnik/artist connotation to it.

Plus, "The Slacker Shack" combines my interest in the movie "Slacker" with the title of a song ("Love Shack") by one of my favorite bands: The B-52's.

And besides, "Oblivion" sounded more like a blog for a secular hospice.

And no, I don't have better things to do with my time than to think of these things...

Take care!
Drake

"The Accidental Addict" (or "Even Good Boys Can Screw Up")

2005-04-27T09:17:00.000-05:00

Today, I thought I would take a brief interlude from my usual "guitar talk" and pseudo-whining and share a cautionary tale. ["Beware! This could even happen to YOU! (Authoritative figure pointing to the audience à la "Reefer Madness")]

I never did illegal drugs, only tried smoking cigarettes a few times (didn't care for it and never picked up the habit), rarely ever drank and then only in moderation* when I did. So I lived a fairly clean lifestyle, minus my gluttonous appetite for anything chocolate.

But two things have plagued me most of life: severe depression and extreme anxiety. To this day, doctors are still not sure if I'm bipolar (manic-depressive) or if I suffer from chronic major depression with an anxiety component mixed in. So treating my emotional rollercoaster has been mostly trial-and-error.

I've tried an antidepressant or two over the years... Paxil, Prozac... Oh, and also Effexor. Plus Wellbutrin. And then there was Zoloft. And I can't forget Celexa. I almost could forget Remeron, since I was practically unconscious for days on it. Plus other psychotropic drugs, such as Luvox, Anafranil, Geodon, Risperdal, and Lamictal. I won't bother adding links to all of these medications - If interested, you can research them at The National Alliance for the Mentally Ill or WebMD.

Oh, and just for the record, I didn't take all of those medications at the same time!

Luckily, I am currently on one called Lexapro, and it actually seems to be beneficial for my depression. I guess the thirteenth time's the charm.

So what does this have to do with addiction? Please, just follow along - It starts to get fun!

While battling the various medications for depression, I still had anxiety issues and panic attacks to contend with. I tried a medication called Lorazepam (also known as Ativan), but it worked more like a sleeping pill to me than an anti-anxiety medication.

So a doctor put me on Xanax. Ah, wonderful Xanax! Zanies! Zans! Peach Footballs! Blue Footballs! The Blues! Z bars! Zan Bars! Quad Bars! Totem poles! Double Crosses! Railroad Crossings! Benzos! The medication is so miraculous, you can even spell the name backwards and get the same thing! (For trivia buffs, that is known as a "palindrome.")

But I'm getting way ahead of myself. Initially, my GP prescribed half of a .25 mg tablet twice a day when needed, and I was allowed to go up to 2 full .25 mg tablets in time. That is actually an extremely low dose, but it did take a noticeable edge off of my anxiety and reduced my panic attacks somewhat. No problem at this point.

Well, within time, I did build up a minor tolerance to the medication, so the doctor prescribed three full .25 tablets a day when needed. Please note the phrase "when needed." I did that, and I was doing very well. An occasional panicky moment here and there, but I was still quite functional.

Eventually, due to several circumstances (insurance, change of doctors, etc.), I began seeing a private psychiatrist. He handed me prescription after prescription for Xanax at each session. Since I only took the medication when I really needed it, I didn't fulfill many of them, and after awhile I began ripping up the stack of prescriptions I had accumulated.

One day, I made mention to this to the psychiatrist. He wasn't exactly mad, but he said that I have been taking Xanax incorrectly. I should take it three times a day regardless if I felt like I needed it or not. By keeping the medication in my system at all times, I should eliminate all of my panic and anxiety issues. It made sense to me at the time, so I followed his advice.

Addiction, here I come!

For those unfamiliar with tranquilizers, particularly benzodiazepines, here is a little personal anecdote from your friend Drake. When I am suffering from severe anxiety, Xanax makes me feel normal - not too calm or high - just normal like an average human being. HOWEVER, if I take a dose when I am not suffering from anxiety, I feel extremely euphoric! Most people say it makes them drowsy, and it does me too, but I also get a wave of tranquility that I have never experienced before. And for someone suffering from depression, it is an incredible welcomed relief!

Everything is now perfect, right? Nope. Reality has a nasty habit of hanging around and getting in the way of things. Despite the fact that I am much less productive while floating in a Xanax cloud, benzodiazepines in general can build up a tolerance rather easily. In fact, once the tolerance is built up, the initial panic and anxiety return even while still using the Xanax. My psychiatrist's solution? Increase the dosage. Problem solved!

If you ever read the paper inserts that come with most medications, there is a casual remark that Xanax "might be habit forming." Whew - And I thought it might be addictive!

Well, to make an already long story less longer, a vicious cycle was now put into place. Take higher doses of Xanax, get high, suddenly the medication quits working for what it was intended for, doctor prescribes a higher dosage.

At some point, an inner voice became concerned. (No, not the inner voice that encourages me to step in front of a speeding bus.) As my dosages where getting close to 7 mg a day (remember, I started out with two halves of .25 mg when needed), I asked the psychiatrist if there was a dosage limit and if I were getting close to it. His response? "Don't worry! I prescribe this to myself all the time."

Ever had the sick, tingling sensation creep through your stomach after an unpleasant realization?

To summarize the rest: I eventually, on my own, tapered down my medication to a more reasonable level. [WARNING: NEVER stop taking benzodiazepines, especially Xanax, abruptly (ie. cold turkey). Do the research first - Convulsions, seizures, and possibly death could occur when abruptly quitting high doses! Even at lower doses, there are a lot of potential problems by stopping too quickly.]

After I had lowered my dose, the anxiety symptoms came back with a vengeance! And now I am experiencing something I've never known before - drug cravings! I literally crave Xanax like I do hunger, thirst, and sex. I don't know if it is the "norm" to have this problem or not, but from what I've read, a few other people have experienced this too. Some former heroin users describe Xanax cravings like heroin cravings - And more than one heroin user has said that heroin was an easier habit to kick then Xanax! (By the way, I have never used heroin or any other "hard" illegal drug. I've added Heroin Helper link on my page because of the valuable information regarding drug cravings and because of the interesting, revealing, yet sad personal stories located there.)

I still take Xanax, but at a much lower dose, but it's a constant battle not to abuse it. After father's death earlier this year, I almost completely lost the battle, but I'm still keeping my head up above the water. Like most things, it will probably take lots of time and lots of patience...

So there you have it: How to become an accidental addict. If anything good has come out of this, it's that I have become MUCH more sensitive and empathetic towards people with addictions. And I hope that maybe something I said in this ridiculously long post might benefit someone out there.

Tomorrow's post: My guitar practicing and more whining. :)

Stay safe and best wishes!
Drake

*I did get smashed one Christmas Eve, thanks to some killer Black Russians my brother concocted. But that was an exception to the norm.

Everyone is talking about my paranoia behind my back again, I just know it!

2005-04-26T19:12:00.000-05:00

Well, another delightful day in Drakesville. I managed to go to work for 90 minutes today. Hey, it's a start! I think I should be up to speed to finish out the rest of the work week starting tomorrow. Depression - It's what's for dinner.

But at least I have continued to customize my blogs to my liking today. It's good to have priorities.

I now fondly refer to my "The Slacker Shack" blog as the "green blog," since it's primarily now... um, colored green. And the "Drifting Stars" blog is now my "blue blog" because... Oh, nevermind. At least I no longer get confused bouncing back and forth between two generic black blogs.

Just four days into blogging, and already I've met some really super people. Today's featured blog is "Heartwood Guitar" (aka. A Guitar Teacher's Lesson Notebook). Rob, the guitar instructor at that site, has some VERY helpful tips and suggestions for beginning guitar players like myself. I highly recommend checking it out.

I can't believe how many "Harold and Maude" fans I've met since I've started blogging! Where I live, if you mention Bud Cort, people assume it's a legal forum for marijuana violations.

I also created an image for my "Drifting Stars" story blog. If I can't make it as a writer, I suppose I could always get a job creating cryptic New Age art for space-based religions. Love it or hate it, you'll have to admit that it's definitely blue! Well, unless you're colorblind, then it would be mid-dull ashen grey with some white...

Well, I have run out of words to type for the moment. I guess I will go to Thesaurus.com to learn some more. (Whoa, a Snoop Dogg pop-up ad at Thesaurus.com? Marketing towards high school/college students no doubt. Another demographic that I've been kicked out of...)

Have fun, stay safe!
Drake

A Buffet of Nonsense

2005-04-25T20:31:00.000-05:00

Well, missed another day of work. I guess as a precaution, I should clear out my desk tomorrow - Save time if they should decide to fire me. My depression is back in full swing, but instead of being the "slashing-my-wrists-to-stop-the-emotional-turmoil" kind of depression, it is more of the "just-let-me-sleep-because-the-sunlight-is-mocking-me" variety. Add Xanax to the mix and you have a lump of breathing flesh taking up space. Not exactly a cheery day...

I did manage to practice the guitar some. If I try to be positive, I can admit that I do seem to be making some progress at it. I guess I am just impatient and worried that I won't be able to play it successfully. But I'm trying to fight against the urge to quit and keep practicing. I hope to record at least one decent CD of my music before I die someday. Of course, it would be an amazing musical achievement to record one AFTER I die!

A friend (or former friend, or pseudo-friend, or a woman who may not be a friend but plays one on the internet) contacted me in Yahoo Messenger yesterday. It was the first time I've heard from her in months! I had basically written her off, but she was extremely cordial, and I'm not one to be rude unless I absolutely have to. So we briefly chatted. She has the flu and a new boyfriend - Not sure if those two things are related, but that's the news from her. Oh well... Maybe I will hear from her again in August...

For those who are actually reading this, I actually did play in a couple of bands a few years ago, but as a keyboard/synthesizer player. I'm much stronger in the songwriting/composing department than as a musician, but I'm trying to change that. At any rate, I'm thinking of contacting Chonk, a west coast experimental songwriter/musician that reminds me a lot of an early Beck. Maybe while I am trying to strengthen my musical abilities he would consider collaborating with me on some of my earlier forays into music. Something to consider.

A close friend of mine wants to start a band TODAY, but he is much too optimistic and just doesn't realize how hard it is to create, maintain, and promote a band - And a good band at that! Right now, we are still trying to achieve "merely lousy" status.

Enough rambling...
Best Wishes,
Drake

Hey! A new post!

2005-04-24T13:50:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm surprisingly making some noticeable progress at the guitar already, but I still have a looong way to go. Still struggling with making quick chord changes - Hopefully with practice it will come.

So far, I kinda, sorta figured out two of Elliot Smith's songs: "Needle in the Hay" and "Rose Parade." "Miss Misery," however, will take some time - Lots of chord changes and I just don't have the knowledge or dexterity yet.

I just started a fictional story blog last night called "Drifting Stars," and already some kind person thought it was real. One point in my corner for believability!

Time to practice some more before the Xanax takes hold. I dread work tomorrow, but I know I will feel better once I get back into the routine YET again. It's hard to keep the momentum going, but I'm still trying.

Ciao for now!
Drake

Drifting Stars - A Fictional Blog

2005-04-23T23:44:00.000-05:00

I just learned the joy of blogs today, so I decided to create two.

My first one, The Slacker Shack (formerly known as "Oblivion - Embracing Our Obscurity"), is a basically my non-fiction daily journal - A sort of pseudo-documentary of a person who wishes to express his artistic impulses (primarily music), despite emotional difficulties and "terminal" self-doubt. I also hope it will attract others with a similar mindset and will become a quasi-support group for other struggling artists, but that is probably too idealistic a goal.

My newest blog, Drifting Stars, is a completely fictional piece. It is a self-indulgent, creative exercise in depicting the life of an ordinary person who seems to have fallen into extraordinary circumstances.

Remember: Drifting Stars is only fiction!

Be safe and have fun!
Drake

The Joys of Indecisions and Trivial Regrets

2005-04-23T19:28:00.000-05:00

Why the hell did I decide to make my blog a minimalistic black design? What am I? Goth? The second day into blogging and already I'm doubting my choice of style. *sigh*

Yeah, yeah, I know... Don't sweat the petty stuff, don't pet the sweaty stuff...

I thought I had something interesting to post. Obviously, I don't. Please forgive this brief interuption.

Ah, Music...

2005-04-23T10:58:00.000-05:00

Well, now that I got the obligatory "woe-is-me" post out of the way yesterday, I can now offer a more upbeat one today.

Actually, the day looks gloomy outside my window, but I prefer it that way - It is so much easier on the eyes. In fact, the whole day seems much more tranquil than depressing - Very peaceful and relaxing.

Last night, I finally got up the nerve to try to play one of father's acoustic guitars. He died earlier this year from a diabetes/cancer combination, three days after my birthday. He was a great, kind man... And also an amazing guitar player! He never took lessons but could play wonderful classical and Flamingo by ear. Since he was a near-prodigy at the guitar, he could never teach me. It was so second nature to him that he could not translate his ability to someone else. How does someone teach a colorblind person to see color?

At any rate, I tried playing one of his guitars for awhile, but I so desperately need practice. As fortune would have it, I stumbled upon a nice guitar site today called Guitar.gg. It seems to have a lot of interesting and useful tips.

What else should I mention in my public diary? Well, I'm listening to Cat Stevens at the moment, before he became Yusuf Islam... No comment. I loved his music in "Harold and Maude" - In fact, I just love that movie all together. As a side note, I actually was able to play Harold Chasen in a community theatre production of it back in 1992. It's my only claim to local fame. Sad, huh?

Well, enough rambling for today. I am going to start redoubling my efforts at playing the guitar and enjoy this cool, dark, restful day.

Best wishes to all!

First Post - I guess I'm now officially a blogger... Whee...

2005-04-22T11:46:00.000-05:00

A little after noon, a soft, rolling thunder in the background, home from work again due to my chronic depression.

Listening to Elliot Smith, a wonderful songwriter that might have committed suicide in October 2003 - The jury is still out on that one. I wish I could compose and play music 10% as well as he did - It always sounds so childish to hear someone say that "his music speaks for me," but in a way, it really does.

I just popped another couple of Xanax and took a hit of Wild Turkey - I told myself that I would never, ever drink alcohol before 5pm. Somehow in my twisted mind, you are not a problem drinker unless you drink before 5pm. Oh well... On the bright side, the Xanax/alcohol combo does dramatically improve my mood, so I won't worry about it now.

But I am worried about the increase of lightning and thunder, so I will end this maiden posting before the power blinks out and it is lost forever. That would be terrible, huh?

Don't worry - This blog won't become yet another whiney, self-pity page like the endless ones you find on the net. I really have nothing to say that the moment, and I'm just trying to learn how to post to one of these things. I think I'm picking it up rather quickly actually...

Be safe, whoever you are.

Time Travel

1990-03-16T19:51:00.000-05:00

Highly overrated. Trust me.